Thoughts: Die Analphabetin Die Rechnen Konnte, by Jonas Jonasson and translated by Wibke Kuhn

You might think I’ve been reading faster than the human eye can possibly read, but actually this one has been in the works for months – we’ve been reading it bit by bit during and between German classes, and we have finally prevailed!

One day I will read a German book that hasn’t been translated from another language. But not any time soon – next on the German class list is Jonas Jonasson’s first book, Der Hundertjährige, der aus dem Fenster stieg und verschwand. You might know it better as The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared.

You might know this book as The Girl Who Saved the King of Sweden. (The German title translates to “The Illiterate [Girl] Who Could Calculate”, or maybe a snappier way to say it would be “The Illiterate Who Was Numerate”? I digress.) Will try not to be too spoilery.

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Thoughts: Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats, by T. S. Eliot

This isn’t going to be long or deep, but hey, I read it, so why not?

After seeing the amazing Cats film over Christmas, we wandered into a secondhand bookshop in Manchester, where by serendipity was waiting for us a copy of the very poems that were responsible for what we had just seen! So we bought it. And then we watched the recording of the Cats stage show that was on Youtube for a weekend as a lockdown morale booster. So I finally read it!

They are pretty much just poems about cats! They’re quite silly superficially but make use of various clever rhyming schemes and rhythm patterns and clearly an affectionate familiarity with cats, and contain a lot of period detail – they were written to entertain Eliot’s nieces and are thus intended to be relatable, and yes, I do feel ridiculous talking like this about a book of cat poems.

The biggest surprise was I think just how much the Cats musical (and therefore film) is just literally a book of poems set to music and beautiful choreography. I especially wonder what it’s like to read the poems before having heard the songs, especially, because my inner voice kept on reverting to song as I read. And I think the music enhances the poems! Try to read The Rum Tum Tugger or The Old Gumbie Cat without the music. I mean… can you?

In a way it makes me admire Andrew Lloyd Webber more, imagining him reading these poems and thinking “Yes, I shall make the most successful musical in the world,” and… making that happen. I read an article about the film which posited that Eliot may have been happy with the batshittery of the film he’d inspired, and I hope that’s the case. (If you are interested in the history of Cats please watch this video, no I don’t care that it’s long, you have the time now.)

Coming fresh from the Tarzans the little mentions of “heathen Chinese” and foreign dogs/cats did raise those little red flags for me. I know it’s meant to be fun and a clever little riff on Pekingese dogs and Siamese cats but I’m not sure I can be like “oh, well, racism is OK as long as it’s fun racism for children based on the British Empire” so. Uh. Yeah.

Conclusion: The Naming of Cats is a top-tier poem and better than we all deserve.

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Thoughts: Tarzan the Terrible, by Edgar Rice Burroughs

The last Tarzan (in the anthology on my Kindle)! Yes! I have survived!

And you know what? This was probably the one I got along the most with. Skimming Goodreads reviews, people have wildly differing opinions of all the Tarzans, which I find pretty interesting. Usually in a series you have books that everyone agrees are great, books that everyone agrees are the weakest, etc, but Tarzan is totally a mixed bag, it seems.

Spoilers and general ramble below the cut.

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Thoughts: This Is How You Lose the Time War, by Amal el-Mohtar and Max Gladstone

Truly, this is the briefest palate-cleanser between Tarzans.

Partly because this book is a novella, but also because it’s of that kind of particularly swallowable book. Lately I feel like I talk about swallowing books whole or inhaling them a lot, and I’m annoyed I’ve diluted the language so much because I really did with this one. Curse, you, past!Danni, you didn’t know what was in store.

Probably not hugely spoilery (and probably not long) but still, I recommend reading this one before looking at reviews of it.

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Thoughts: Tarzan the Untamed, by Edgar Rice Burroughs

There are so many Tarzans. Say what you want about Burroughs – and I do – but the man was prolific.

Tarzan the Untamed is back in the normal Tarzan chronology, so we meet him as an adult ape-man with one foot in civilisation, married to Jane, his son off married to surprise!royalty, getting on with his life. Sort of. Because now World War 1 is going on.

Cut for length and spoilers as always.

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Thoughts: Record of a Spaceborn Few, by Becky Chambers

It feels like I’m absolutely racing through books lately, so here I am again lest I overtake myself in reading and give myself a backlog again. There are some cracking books I ended up just skipping over to get back up to date (Hunters and Collectors by Matt Suddain [Amazon owned site for those who care] is HIGHLY recommended) and I’d rather not do that again.

I worry sometimes that one day I’ll just have nothing to say about a book, and then I don’t know what I’ll do – pretend nothing happened? Leave an apologetic placeholder? In the end, I still don’t know, because Chambers always gives me plenty to think about.

Spoilers below. I’m not joking, like, major ones.

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Thoughts: Jungle Tales of Tarzan, by Edgar Rice Burroughs

I have no idea how there can be so many Tarzan books in this one anthology.

Could be worse. I once read 15 Oz books in a row because I found them for free when I was looking for The Wizard of Oz and I thought hey, why not? If I never go back to Oz again it will be too soon.

Jungle Tales of Tarzan is a series of 12 short stories set during Tarzan’s youth among the ape people, and they’re mostly a lot of what we’ve seen in previous Tarzans, though The Race Thing is turned back up to 11, as this is before Tarzan learns civilisation. So, you know, there’s that.

I don’t often do this, but I had a skim through the Goodreads reviews for this book once I was finished, just to see if I was the only person who this bothered. And for the most part, yeah. Most readers didn’t mention it at all, a few mentioned it in passing as something you have to put up with because of the era it was written in. Which fine, you do you, if you can shut it out and enjoy a good adventure yarn, who am I to stop you. But I can’t do it, and I can’t apologise for not being able to do it. There was one or two reviews near the top that shared my opinion, and it was a huge relief to see that it wasn’t just me.

Because my god.

Here’s the featured quote on Goodreads, with three likes, to show you how all the racism is just inextricably tangled up in every single other goddamn aspect of this book. I feel a little bit dirty even reproducing this quote.

“[The little black boy] had seen Tarzan bring down a buck, just as Numa, the lion, might have done… Tibo had shuddered at the sight, but he had thrilled, too, and for the first time there entered his dull, Negroid mind a vague desire to emulate his savage* foster parent. But Tibo, the little black boy, lacked the divine spark which had permitted Tarzan, the white boy, to benefit by his training in the ways of the fierce jungle. In imagination he was wanting, and imagination is but another name for super-intelligence.

Imagination it is which builds bridges, and cities, and empires. The beasts know it not, the blacks only a little, while to one in a hundred thousand of earth’s dominant race it is given as a gift from heaven that man may not perish from the earth.”

– Jungle Tales of Tarzan, Edgar Rice Burroughs

I found it impossible to ignore, because every single time a black character (“character” is often a strong word) is shown, Burroughs cannot help himself, he just has to get in some “witty” little remark. Whether someone is handsome “for a black”, or a black woman’s cultural fashions/adornments/body modifications/whatever are set up for this “in short, she was beautiful – TO HER OWN PEOPLE TROLOLOL” punchline which is uncomfortable and weird (and the exact same punchline we got from the introduction of Teeka, Tarzan’s first apewoman love in the first story). It’s pretty much always superfluous, unnecessary remarks that jar you out of the story.

The only way I can explain the tone of this humour – and you might well roll your eyes at this – is that it’s the kind of jaunty, patronising amiability you can imagine in Boris Johnson’s voice. The jokes about the charlatanry of the witch doctors and medicine men and their strong/weak medicine were in exactly the sort of tone you’d expect BoJo to use when parroting it in a hideously inappropriate place.

The stories themselves kind of varied in quality – some of them followed sort of cod-folktale structure, in which Tarzan learns some moral lesson about how there’s no love interest for him in the jungle, or he discovers god, or the apes mythologise about lunar eclipses. Some of them followed on directly from each other, and you could sort of see Burroughs building up his mythos as he went, which was quite interesting. Most of the problems could be (and were) solved by killing something in the end, though.

But really there’s no getting over the racism, for me. If that makes me a PC bleeding heart killjoy then I accept my sentence happily. People can go on about how Burroughs is the greatest and most influential adventure novelist in the world all they want – I found the action, especially in this book, where the stories were so short and the plots so much less convoluted than the novels, pretty one-note.

Also I still have no idea how Tarzan is supposed to have taught himself to read. My infertile woman-brain cannot make sense of it, however hard it tries.

*Interesting to see “savage” applied to Tarzan, right? Shame about the rest of it!

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Thoughts: Le Fantôme de l’Opéra, by Gaston Leroux

I didn’t want to drop my habit of reading French, so I bumped this little gem about five years up my TBR, and it didn’t disappoint!

Confession: My knowledge of the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical is not as thorough as many people’s, so there won’t be much of that sweet, sweet comparison. Sorry!

There will be spoilers but honestly I don’t know how many people don’t know the broad details of this story, so you may not be that bothered. I’ll stick the rest under a cut for length anyway.

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Thoughts: A Closed and Common Orbit, by Becky Chambers

Lucky me ended up going into work for a thing that could only be done in the office, and to make up for this outrage, with me went the colleague who had lent me The Long Way To A Small Angry Planet previously, with the second two books and a bonus novella for my delectation. I like to bump borrowed books to the top of the list, knowing how horribly long my list is at any given time, so I dove right into this one.

Spoilers I guess? Though there’s not much a “stuff happens” kind of plot, to be honest.

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Thoughts: Nana, by Emile Zola

Well, don’t I feel fancy?

I do. I feel incredibly fancy. Not as fancy as Nana in her splendour, but still. We try.

At this point I think I can say that I just really like Zola. Many spoilers below. Read the book though, it’s brilliant.

This book was absolutely not on my list, but we were in a secondhand bookshop in Manchester and it was there, and I like Zola and need to practise my French reading, so I picked it up.

I sank into it. I don’t know what it is about him that takes you right into the room where everything’s happening, but something does. So many gorgeous little details and images; gaslight reflected in champagne glasses, the filthy rooms of filthy girls, the theatre backstage where the ginger tomcat sleeps, the horse races, the kitchen where Madame Maloir and Madame Lerat play bezique while they wait for Nana to… earn enough money to pay for custody of her son. The beautiful and disgusting things all are utterly compelling through Zola’s eyes.

The back of the book promised me a courtesan who ruins all who desire her, and an acid portrait of decadence which would be shaken up by war, but for about 85% of the book I was still waiting for the ruining, and there was no mention of war at all. The men all lined up to ruin themselves like dominoes though, and the war came blowing in at the last few pages. I keep trying to think of the plot, as in, what happens, and though a lot of things happen, it’s hard to summarise them. Narratives unfurl enticingly at Nana’s feet and she ignores them all.

The book opens with her star turn at the theatre, where our principal cast are watching her (or costarring), in which she plays Venus, and I use “play” in the loosest sense, because Nana is the worst actress and singer the world has ever seen – but she is pure raw sensuality displayed in the third act, practically naked before the audience. I wondered if she was going to work her way up to infamy, like some kind of sexual Florence Foster Jenkins… but no. She reprises her part for most of the rest of the season, and then loses interest. (I also enjoyed the male characters wondering where indeed they had seen her before…)

Then there is a dinner party, and I wondered if we were going to get a comedy of manners, as lowly-born Nana rakes in her little fortune and enters Society, but also no, she’s far too shameless and frankly the company she tends to keep is not that far above her.

The book, and the three years it covers, continue much in this vein – Nana finds something new and shiny; a stable, if not necessarily respectable, life is dangled in front of her, and she sniffs at it for a while before turning away in disdain, in favour of a terrible choice.

As for her ruining the menfolk (and poor old Satin), I feel like it must be said that the menfolk are not kept in any doubt as to who and what Nana is. She is, as said before, the world’s worst actress. When she goes too far she’ll turn around, all laughter and caresses, but how many times is a grown-ass man (I believe this is what the youth of today call them) going to fall for this? Infinity times, if Zola is to be believed.

Actually though the one man I did want to be ruined* was the only one clever enough to stay away from her.

Now look. Nana is an awful person, incredibly toxic even among the terrible people who keep company with her, but any one of those men could have walked away at any point, or indeed just not done the things she demanded of them. They could have not given her huge sums of money, and they could have not stolen from their workplaces to give ostentatious, fragile gifts to the woman who has so many things she doesn’t even know the help is robbing her, and they really, really could have not engaged in some really uncomfortable (to me if not them) puppy/pony play dressed up in their chamberlain’s uniforms.

There’s a point where Nana, in one of her pity parties (every bit as lavish as her actual parties) claims that actually she is a good person, because these men would have murdered people if she had told them to, and she had not told them to. And Nana is terrible, but lads, I have to say she is right on the money with this one. The things they do without her asking. Fixing horse races, stabbing themselves all over her expensive carpet, going to military prison, bankrupting themselves, desecrating everything they love because it might please her for an hour or ten minutes. It is crazy. I love it. I mean she is not manipulative at all. She’s often grumpy and short with them, and nevertheless they will tear out their beating hearts and throw them at her.

Every single character in this book is a proper r/relationships certified Red Flag (TM). Georges the horny schoolboy who has to keep escaping from his mother’s house to visit Nana, the Comte and his extravagant Catholic misery, Vandeuvres and his compulsive gambling, Rose Mignon and her ménage à… several. The boundary-trampling which goes on! Nana says she will host people at her house in the country (provided by a lover) on X day, sneaks out a couple of days early to have some time for herself, and WHOOPS here’s Georges the infant child sneaking through the window to play house and persuade her to, well, we can all guess, can’t we, despite the age gap that is too much even for Nana. She arranges to see the Comte on one day at one time, but WHOOPS he’s barging into her bedroom and catching her and his father-in-law at it, and having a huge crisis he could have avoided had he just come when he was meant to. These men cannot follow the simplest instructions.

I found it interesting how squeamish the men were, as well. Both when Nana and Satin were discussing their harrowing childhoods as the prostitute daughters of alcoholics and laundrywomen, and at the end when Nana is actually dead (from smallpox! Unexpected!), milling around outside the hotel while the women, with whom she had definitely not got on well, go in there and do the vigilling and well, who really knows how many diamonds she was wearing. There was a bit of dialogue in that scene, when the women are expecting one of the men to come in, but actually it’s just Lucy Stewart, and she just gives this totally scornful “they’re all outside smoking cigars” that I loved, and I don’t know why. I could hear it. I was thinking it!

For most of the book Nana is surprisingly fleshed out – I’d been expecting a sort of cipher, a human metaphor, based on the blurb, but she’s a very strongly-charactered person. We see her in incredible detail, so intimate it’s almost ugly. There is this bit near the end though, where Zola pulls away as she’s coming into her own and she becomes utterly monstrous. My French is not perfect by a long shot, but goddamn, what a bit of writing.

Yeah, so, it was good. I liked it. Zola is still an author who gets leapfrogged to the top of the TBR whenever I come across him.

*Fontan of course.

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